If Star Wars was Set in Glasgow.....

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he`d only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He`d have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be reffered to as Cheif or Bug Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would be reffered to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress as "That Dome-Heided Basturd".

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the street after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. We would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in fron of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3,500 languages, C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greeting-faced poof fae Milngavie".

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record - "I Love Scotland" sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it is hard to run in 5" heel platform heel and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you`ve been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be:
  1. Alter it`s orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals if was full of kafflicks,
  2. Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.


Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:

Han Solo: "I've got a real bad feeling about this" "Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around" "Come right ahead then c**nts! Fight the f***ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "The Force?! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." "Nae messin aboot wi the God squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yoursel' a decent shooter."

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker: "The Force is strong in this one." "Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd"

Princess Leia: "You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?" "Ah didny think they took short-arses in the Polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade." "Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' shite!"

Admiral Motti: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways Lord Vader." "You think you're so hard, Vader so ye dae. Well we're no feart ae yae."

Obi Wan: "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." "F*** me whit was aw that!"

Luke to the Emperor: "Your confidence is your weakness." "Oh ye bloody think so!"

Here are 20 Lines from the Star Wars films that have been "improved" by adding the word "pants".
  1. A tromor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
  2. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
  3. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detatchment down to retrive them. See to it personally, Commander.
  4. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
  5. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
  6. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
  7. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
  8. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface attack.
  9. Lock the door. And hope they don`t have pants!
  10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
  11. Governor Tarkin. I recognised your foul pants when I was brought onboard.
  12. You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
  13. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
  14. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this!
  15. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your Highness.
  16. Jabba doesn`t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
  17. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
  18. Attention. This is Lando Calrissian. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
  19. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
  20. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.


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