A man was knocking back the drinks in a bar.
"I think you've had enough mate," said the bartender.
"But I've just lost my wife," slurred the drunk indignantly.
The bartender said sympathetically: "Well, it must be hard losing a wife."
"Hard? It was almost impossible," replied the man.
A GUY goes into a chemist and asks if they sell deodorant.
"Certainly sir," says the assistant. "Ball or aerosol?"
"Well it's for under my arms actually!" he replies.
A MILD-MANNERED man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read from cover to cover on the way home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, e said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
"Then, after dinner, you're going to run me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The bloody funeral director," said his wife.
A STRANGER was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane. The stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
A YOUNG man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened?"
"Well' replies Simon "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was traped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free."
"The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew," he replies. "While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. "The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
"That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?" asked Matthew.
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle."