1). Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
2). Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
3). Symptom: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault:Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another drink.
4). Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself lashed to bar.
5). Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.
6). Symptom: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to bogs, practice in mirror.
7). Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another drink.
8 ). Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
9). Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar closed.
Action: Leave bar and find establishment which will still serve you
beer.
10). Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.
11). Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault:You are dancing on the table.
Action: Make sure you fall on fattest lass in bar.
12). Symptom: Drink is crystal-clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.
13). Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
14). Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free alcohol.
15). Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The drink is too weak.
Action: Have more alcohol until voice improves.
16). Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Drink is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.